November 4th, 2007

So Valette and I went out tonight to see 30 Days of Night. I will say that, for a cheap, throw-together horror movie, it’s really not bad. Well, it’s not good, but it’s certainly not Cabin Fever or Alone in the Dark.

The problem is that it takes place in Alaska. It takes place in a real town in Alaska, a real town that I’ve actually been to. It was also written by people who clearly have not been to this real town. To put it in perspective, this movie is to Alaskans what “The Net” was to computer geeks, what “Spiderman 2″ was to physics nerds, what “Pretty Woman” was to hookers.

In short, nobody bothered to check the source.

But, rather than nitpick it apart, I’ll simply present my Condensed Dialog Review(tm) of the movie. Which nitpicks for me.

I should also clarify something, before anyone reads my review and points out that there was one hydroponics UV light in the movie. There’s this thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or depression caused by the long nights here in Alaska. To combat this, there are broad spectrum lamps that emulate sunshine. These lamps are fairly common in Alaska, especially in places where the darkness is more extreme, like Barrow.

30 Days of Night

Steve-o’s Condensed Dialog Review

Josh Hartnett: It’s a beautiful day, Billy. Sun’s shining, birds are singing.

Manu Bennett: Yup. Shame tomorrow it starts being completely dark for 30 days.

Josh Hartnett: You know, I’ve been thinking about that. The rest of the world has that whole Equinox / Solstice thing where the days get longer and shorter slowly over the course of the year.

Manu Bennett: Yeah, but this is Barrow, Alaska; the sun is either completely on or completely off up here.

Josh Hartnett: Kinda strange.

Manu Bennett: Kinda.

[A boat is travelling in the polar channel and gets stuck. A handful of Eurotrash jump off]

Vampires: We are the Vampires Who Don’t Drink Anything! We just make a mess and splatter blood around! And if you ask us to drink anything, we’ll just tell you …

Female Vampire: We don’t drink anything!

Boss Vampire: Vell, I’fe-a nefer beee tu Greenlund und I’fe-a nefer beee tu Denfer, und I’fe-a nefer beee tu Berroo in zee fell. Bork Bork Bork!

[Subtitle: Well, I’ve never been to Greenland and I’ve never been to Denver, and I’ve never been to Barrow in the fall.]

Melissa George: Damn. I missed the last flight out of Barrow. That means I’m stuck here in Barrow, Alaska for the next 30 days. If only airplanes could fly in the dark!

Ben Foster: Hey, got any raw meat? I’m hungry.

Melissa George: Ew. What are you, some kind of vampire or something?

Ben Foster: No, the vampires are after me. I’m hoping the trichinosis will kill me before they do.

Melissa George: There are no vampires here.

Ben Foster: Not yet. They’re on their way. They have a boat in the polar channel.

Melissa George: The polar channel is 500 miles north of Barrow.

Ben Foster: Vampires can power walk.

Vampires: Well we’ve never been to Norlins and we’ve never been a rock band and we’ve never been to goth clubs cause we can’t dance at all. And we’ve never met Van Helsing and we’ve never slept in coffins and we’ve never been to Barrow in the fall!

Boss Vampire: Let us gu tu Berroo und feed! Bork Bork Bork!

[Subtitle: Let us go to Barrow and feed!]

Church: Vampires! Vampires are attacking the town!

Melissa George: How do you know they’re vampires?

Church: They have funny accents and techno background music and they smell like cheese!

Melissa George: They could just be Eurotrash tourists.

Church: Don’t be silly, Europeans don’t exist. We’ve got to hide!

[The main characters and a few disposable ones hide in Church’s attic.]

Vampires: We are the Vampires Who Don’t Drink Anything! We just make a mess and splatter blood around! And if you ask us to drink anything, we’ll just tell you …

Young Kirsten Dunst: We don’t drink anything!

Boss Vampire: Keell iferyune-a! Thet vey ve-a’ll hefe-a plenty tu iet fur zee next 30 deys! Bork Bork Bork!

[Subtitle: Kill everyone! That way we’ll have plenty to eat for the next 30 days!]

Josh Hartnett: We need to get to Wainwright! It’s only 100 miles away! It’s right over the hill!

Church: But theres snow everywhere! We wouldn’t get very far!

Melissa George: If only there were some kind of machines … for the snow! Snow … machines!

Church: You mean machines made of snow? That’s crazy talk!

Josh Hartnett: The vampires can move about whenever they want. The 30 days of darkness is our enemy!

Melissa George: If only we had really bright lamps! Bright like the sun! Sun … lamps!

Church: You’re talking madness, woman!

Melissa George: Dear Diary - we’ve been hiding in this attic for twenty days now. It may be damp and lopsided, but there’s probably not a more comfortable hiding place in all of Amsterdam. No, in all of Holland.

Josh Hartnett: The vampires have put cracks in the Alaskan Pipeline and the oil has flowed from Prudhoe Bay all the way here to Barrow! 200 miles away! And now the vampires are throwing matches at it!

Church: Crude oil doesn’t burn!

Josh Hartnett: The vampires are processing the crude oil! They’ve converted it to gasoline with their vampire powers! Now they’re throwing matches at it again!

Melissa George: We’ll all be killed unless someone makes the ultimate sacrifice to buy us some time until God turns the sun back on!

Josh Hartnett: I will go.

Melissa George: But you’ll be killed!

Josh Hartnett: Not if I give myself the vampire AIDS first. Vampire AIDS lets you run up walls and pull guns out of your arms and gives you the ability to swordfight in slow motion!

[Josh Hartnett injects himself with vampire AIDS and runs outside. Church pokes his head out a small window to watch.]

Church: The other vampires have him surrounded! Now he’s fighting them!

Melissa George: Now what’s happening? I want to see!

Church: He’s winning! He’s beating the Boss Vampire up! The Boss Vampire is screaming bloody murder!

Boss Vampire: Bluudy moorder! Bluudy moorder! Bork Bork ow Bork!

[Subtitle: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!]

Church: Oh! Ow! He just punched him right through the head! Now he’s ripping out his skull! He’s beating him to death with his own skull!

Melissa George: That doesn’t seem possible!

Church: That’s what he’s saying!

Boss Vampire: Thees duesn’t seem pusseeble-a! Bork Bork Bork!

[Subtitle: This doesn’t seem possible!]

Josh Hartnett: The boss vampire is dead. The other vampires are leaving. Now I must go to LA to become a rock star.

Melissa George: Look! The sun is coming up!

The Sun: I am up.

Josh Hartnett: Blarg! I’m dead.

Everyone: Hooray!

teh enb