June 15th, 2008

Valette and I just got back from seeing “The Happening”. If you’re reading this post you know this means two things - 1. I’m going to tell you how much I dislike Shyamalan’s films and 2. I’m going to do a Condensed Dialog Review of it. Let me start off by saying it’s going to be my worst CDR to date because this is, without a doubt, Shyamalan’s absolute worst film.

So what is “The Happening” about? Well, in a nutshell, people all over the Eastern Seaboard start going crazy and killing themselves and the patented Shyamalan twist is that it’s the plants that are releasing the brain-altering chemicals that make us do it. That’s right, the environment is killing off mankind because nature’s identified us as a threat, or something like that.

Now, I know, some of you are saying, “Steve! You buffoon! You just ruined the twist ending!” Well, relax, the movie’s not ruined for you.

The first reason it’s not ruined is because the “twist ending” comes 20 minutes into the movie when some random crazy guy with a hotdog fetish explains the entire twist in ridiculous detail. Not that we needed him to, every single scene prior to that features at least one closeup of a tree waving in the wind, or cardboard trees stapled to the walls of high school science classes, or trees shaking menacingly at joggers in city parks. If you’ve seen any Shyamalan film, you know that whatever he focuses on early in the film, be it a doorknob or a glass of water or an asthma inhaler, whatever it is, it’s a major clue about what’s happening. Shyamalan really only has one trick, and that’s it: faux foreshadowing.

The second reason the movie’s not ruined is because you’re not going to see it. As of this writing, it’s getting a 20% score on Rotten Tomatoes. To put that in perspective, “Scary Movie 4″ scored a 38%. Leonardo DiCaprio crap fest “The Beach” scored a 19%. Are you really going to go spend money on a movie that’s just barely better than “The Beach”? I don’t think so.

You’re also not going to see it because, after all the flack Shyamalan received for “Lady in the Water”, the filmmaker has exacted his revenge by crafting what is, with only the thinnest veneer, a snuff film. The mysterious plant-spewed neurotoxin causes the human brain to stop seeking to preserve the human organism. In Shyamalan’s clumsy hands, a “lack of self preservation” translates directly into an active progress toward self-destruction. Construction workers jump off of buildings, soldiers shoot themselves in the head, groundskeepers set their riding mowers on cruise control and lay down in front of them, zoo-keepers are dismembered by lions, the list of gruesome, on-screen suicides is long and disgusting. Shyamalan genuinely believes he’s terrifying his audience with gore that is not terrifying at all, it’s just revolting. Now, I have no problems with violence and gore in films, in fact, I love zombie flicks and if I watch one that doesn’t have at least one good disembowelment scene I scream for my money back. The violence in “Happening” serves absolutely no purpose other than to reveal the psychology of a director with a chip on his shoulder for the entire film industry, from the studios on down to the audience.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention the “science” that Shyamalan coats his film with to make the flimsy plot stick.

1. References are made over and over to bees. Bees disappearing, plants creating chemicals to attract bees. Shyamalan was clearly influenced by the supposed mass disappearance of bees in 2006, but seems to have neglected information that appeared after the media frenzy died down that showed this is neither a new nor a magical event. His example of plants using chemicals to attract bees as a defense against plant-eating insects is also flawed because it doesn’t apply to the “event” of the film - the bee defense in plants is not a new behavior, it evolved over a long time. It’s also not a one-time event like the “happening” of the film, the plants don’t just decide that the threat is over and stop attracting bees.
    
2. John Leguizamo’s character says, early in the film, that people are “comforted by percentages”, and Shyamalan runs with that “fact”. One TV “expert” comments on the film’s events by saying “with an event like this, there’s a 67% chance it’ll end by 9:30 tomorrow morning”. Damned if it doesn’t “end” exactly at 9:27. I’m sorry? What “events like this” did you use to deduce this percentage when there’s never been an event like this?
    
3. The “scientific method” is brought up over and over as justification for the film’s “science”. Nevermind that accepting Marky Mark as a scientist is more difficult than accepting Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist. At one point, with all of his tag-along charges jibbering at him to “do something!”, Marky Mark thinks out loud, “Identify variables! Formulate a hypothesis! Design your experiment!” and then, shockingly, does none of the above. After reciting this silly mantra, he just magically jumps to the correct conclusion and the movie moves on to the next scene. (Also, M. Knight, seriously dude, having a bunch of people jabbering “do something! save us all!” while the main character pleads “Give me a minute to think!” doesn’t create tension in a movie, it just gives the audience a headache)
    
4. People lose power, lose their cell phones, even Amtrak loses “communication” and their trains have to stop. These are all national systems. The “event” only takes place in the northeastern states. I’m as much of a Philly boy at heart as Shyamalan is, but I’m not stupid enough to propose that without Philly and New York the rest of the country would cease to function. Neither radios, nor cell phone satellites, nor the national power grid work on deadman switches. Just because the people in the offices die that doesn’t mean those systems automatically switch off. And even if the national power grid did, somehow, manage to shut down, battery powered clocks wouldn’t shut off.
    
5. And then there’s the “gas” that’s affecting everyone. No formulation is ever given, no exact mechanism is ever described, and the chemical seems to only function when it’s convenient to the plot. A huge gusting wind full of the toxin wipes out one group of travelers while having absolutely no affect on another group just 200 feet away and the explanation is that the plants recognize larger groups as threats? Even if that were true, the gas can’t make that determination, it’s a gas! Construction workers jump off of buildings while their coworkers on the ground are completely unaffected. Is the chemical lighter than air? Zookeepers go nuts and walk into lion cages where their apparently snap-on limbs are taken one-by-one by the lions, and yet the zoo-goers just a few feet outside the lion enclosure retain their senses long enough to not only film this grisly death with their cell phones but also send the clip to their friends and loved ones outside of the affected area and then text chat with them?

Now, let’s put aside all of the above and then ask, is this still Shyamalan’s worst film? The answer is still “yes”. Forgive the science, forgive the bad acting, forgive the half-assed attempt at “horror”, and Shyamalan is still delivering a script with more plot holes and deus exes than a highschool creative writing project. The main characters know that groups of humans become targets, but they can’t exactly abandon a couple of teenagers who need their help. The solution? The teenagers are both murdered in grisly ways by hillbillies. An Amtrak train stops in the middle of a small town, stranding it’s 300+ passengers, most of whom congregate at a small diner. When the power inexplicably goes out, someone stands up and declares, nonsensically, “Whatever is going on here, it looks like it’s not happening about 90 miles west of here!” and everyone runs out the door of the diner to get in their cars and drive off, stranding the main characters alone in this now empty small town. Where’d the cars come from? Were they storing them in the overhead luggage bins on the train?

If it sounds like I dislike Shyamalan, that’s because I do. I think “Sixth Sense” is one of the best films ever made, but every movie he’s made after has been exactly the same. If you pay attention to what the camera pans across in the first ten minutes of the film, you know exactly how it’s going to end. Shyamalan appeared clever and original when he first started, but he’s proven his own genius to be a simple flash in the pan with a series of increasingly predictable and mindless films.

So let me end by telling you how to save ten bucks - go outside and walk up to the nearest tree. Now pretend that tree is trying to kill you. Don’t pretend it has fangs, or it moves, or anything. It’s just a tree, and it wants to kill you. That’s exactly the amount of terror “The Happening” instills in the audience.

Read on for the CDR.

The Happening

Steve-o’s Condensed Dialog Review version

Marky Mark: People are killing themselves!
Crazy Guy: It’s the plants. They’re releasing chemicals that remove the brain’s self-preservation center and that’s why people are killing themselves.
Marky Mark: Really? Hmm. That sounds plausible enough.
Plants: Ok, we’ve proven our point about mankind and the environment, etc. etc. We’re done. You can go back to having your cell phones and Philly soft pretzels.
M. Knight Shyamalan: And remember kids, backpacks just like the one Jessie’s wearing, featuring your favorite characters from my next film Avatar: The Last Airbender, are available in the lobby!
Everyone: Hooray! We’re saved! The plants let us keep our cars and Fox news!
Plants: You know, actually, now that we’ve had time to think about it, the rest of you can stay, but France needs to go.
French People: Merde.
Everyone else: Hooray!

teh enb