Chapters List | Stories List | Front Page
Epilogue II
(... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy, reproduced with permission)
It rains a lot in the city of Maple Ridge.
Two weeks to the day that Carl warned Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy about the three-headed beast, we once again find our heroes in the corner of the dim, subterranean café called Django Djava. Their colour-coordinated ponchos are again draped over the backs of their wrought-iron chairs, and once again they kvetch by candlelight. Hydrogen Guy again spoons whipped cream off his rich, argon-free hot chocolate, and Deuterium Boy again sips, somewhat ambivalently this time, a heavy-water mochaccino.
Hydrogen Guy
I'm telling you, this damp isn't good for my ribs.Deuterium Boy
You're going to be like my grandfather from now on, aren't you. "Ah ken feel the rain a-comin'!"Hydrogen Guy
Oh, you have no trouble accepting the fact that we can pick out individual chemical species with our taste buds, but you won't admit that the weather affects my ribs?Deuterium Boy
I have trouble accepting the fact that this just isn't another one of your cleverly-contrived personality quirks.Hydrogen Guy
Pah!Deuterium Boy
Like dismissing other people's arguments by saying "Pah!" in a disgusted tone of voice.Hydrogen Guy
Pah!A flash of mauve catches Deuterium Boy's attention.
Deuterium Boy
Carl!He waves the proprietor of Django Djava over. Today he sports a particularly vivid mauve cummerbund and a matching beret over his usual black coffee-house togs.
Carl
Gentlemen. Delightful as always. Hydrogen Guy, delightful to see you back.Hydrogen Guy
Thank you, Carl. Except for a few humidity-induced twinges, I'm feeling all ship-shape and Bristol fashion. I hope DB and Helium Girl behaved themselves in here in my absence?Carl
The ladies room will never be the same again.Deuterium Boy
Carl, why did the java serf tell me you didn't have any more Carffee?Carl
The explanation is simple. We don't have any more Carffee.Hydrogen Guy
Thank God!Deuterium Boy glares at him.
Deuterium Boy
You're asking for more broken ribs... But Carl, why?Carl
Ah. Well, sales were not sufficient. The Carffee company did not feel that there was a market in British Columbia.Deuterium Boy
What do you mean?! I bought it! I bought lots of it!Carl
I know. You were almost the only one.Hydrogen Guy
"Almost"? You mean some other fool besides DB and Ford drank the stuff?Carl
Yes. Just last night, as I was contemplating the injustices of the marketplace, a customer bought my entire remaining supply. Several flats worth. Gentlemen, enjoy your drinks. I must spread my bon vivant nature among the other customers.He wafts away. Deuterium Boy looks stricken.
Hydrogen Guy
Buck up, DB. We'll find you something else disgusting to drink. How about "Go-Go Express"?Deuterium Boy
There are some things that can't be solved by anime chicks in short dresses, HG.Hydrogen Guy
Preach on, brother.He spots a familiar mug walking in from the rain. He waves him over.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey hey! Back in the saddle again, what?Chuck War pulls up a chair.
Chuck War
Hey, guys. Yeah, I finally got the Rig back. You know what those RCMP butchers did? Scrambled the on-board sensors with a frickin' magnet when they reinstalled the air bags! I told the jackasses to use demagnetized metal tools and proper shielding... How're the ribs?Hydrogen Guy
A bit stringy and not enough sauce. I'm feeling fine, thanks.Chuck War
Good to hear. Here, I got you a get-well gift.He pulls out a heavy lump wrapped in a plastic bag from inside his jacket and places it on the table.
Hydrogen Guy
Ooh, presents!Deuterium Boy
What is it?Hydrogen Guy rustles around with the plastic bag and pulls out the lump, something wrapped in several layers of thick leather.
Chuck War
Don't open it here. It's spiced darbuk cheese made by the Blind Master of Urzazi III. Some of the best Zarpazi cheese there is.Hydrogen Guy
Wow...Chuck War
Keep it wrapped in the darbuk leather, and place it someplace dark and dry when you get home. And don't eat it too fast this time. I've got two blocks that I ain't sharing, but other than that, that's all there is in this sector.Hydrogen Guy
Chuck... that's fantastic, thanks! I thought you said you had to trade for this and there was nothing you had the Zarpazi wanted.Chuck War grins.
Chuck War
Oh, I found something.H'yhy Hyh-hy, the Zarpazi trader, sat back in his navigator's chair and studied star charts. This sector is about as far from anywhere as it was possible to get, he thinks ruefully. His body is long and thin, his skin blue and vaguely scaly. A pair of tough, horny appendages sprout from his hairless head and hang down his back. Aside from those differences, he looks quite humanoid.
He pulls a magnifying glass from the pocket of his leather flight jacket and peers at a detail on the plasti-cel chart. If he ducked through that corridor through the Wet Belt, he could join back up with the Cantovar route and be back in Zarpaz in six days...
A shout from the aft startled him and he dropped the magnifier. He swiveled around and glared at the interloper - his trading partner Kagan, a Partuuni. The Partuuni were distantly related to the Zarpazi, sharing a basic body-type. The difference was they were short and fat instead of tall and lean, had pink skin instead of blue, and their horns curved around their heads rather than lying straight back. And they had the manners of a darbuk-herder.
"Hy! What in the Dragon's Dark is this, some kind of fuel cylinder?" Kagan held a small metal cylinder in his three-fingered hand. "There's a whole stack of'em back there!"
"It's a beverage container. I took them in trade from a Terran GC agent for three blocks of Urzcheese."
Kagan peered at the cylinder and wrinkled his nose. The markings on it were in no language he'd ever seen before. A strange creature with a steaming, bowl-shaped head looked back at him from the picture on the can.
"Have one if you like," Hy said soothingly, "They're quite pleasant."
"How's it open?"
"Use your brain, Kagan. See the pull-tab on the top? No, the other top. Right. Be careful, it's pressurized!"
"AAGH!" As he tore off the pull tab, brown foam gushed out over his hand and down the front of his work togs. Kagan swore creatively and held the messy can at arm's length. "This better be worth it..."
He raised the can to his lips and drank. A look of surprise crossed his face. "Hey," he said, "Not bad! A bit like akag with hint of puz..." He slammed the rest of the can back, and belched thunderously. "Damn! That's good!"
"Don't have any more, or the cheesesmiths will start demanding parts from the engine as compensation."
"To the Dark with'em. It's ten days back to Zarpaz --"
"Six."
"-- and a man's gotta survive. Want one?"
"No. Neither do you. If you must drink it, wait until third watch."
"All right."
He chuckled and looked at the can again. He turned back to the aft compartment, and then paused.
"Hey Hy, what's this stuff called?"
"I think the Terran called it... Kar-fi."
Jonathan Hess adjusted his tie and returned the scrutiny of his audience as confidently as his nerves allowed. He had just finished delivering a report on the Chimera, Inc. case to these ten. Ten world-renowned celebrities, who had contacted him just before his superiors handed him the case. These ten had asked him to make a few extra-curricular notes for them in the course of the investigation; had handed him the impossible to get files on Chouinard, Ishida and Camus; had suggested that he draft Christopher Ford, who'd been stuck with the Doh murder case, into the investigation.
They sat now, carefully weighing Hess's report.
Number 1
So despite their early mishandling of the situation, you have no further criticism of their actions?Hess
No. No, not really. It was something of an unusual case for them --Number 2
A superhero has to be able to respond to the unusual, Agent Hess.Hess
That's true. But, given the circumstances, I'd say the Diatomic Duo did well. Despite being run off their feet by Chimera's crime wave, they looked for motive force behind it. A poor doctor only treats symptoms. A good doctor looks for the cause.Number 1
Very true.Hess
They used their available resources to the utmost.Number 3
You mean the Galactic Customs agent, Chuck War?Hess
Yes. That's one of the things you want, the ability to work with others.Number 1
Of course. Although I understand for some of us that's a struggle.Number 3
I do what I have to.Number 1
I never said you didn't.Number 4
Agent Hess, you said yourself you thought the raid on Chimera's urban base and the subsequent chase through the city was ill-advised. I understand some considerable property damage resulted.Number 2
Ah yes, Maple Ridge's famous "Beast".Hess
Yes, yes, I that's true. War should have known better than to act so hastily, too. But one could argue that they were tired, and --Number 3
Trying to do too much when you're in a sleep deficit is a good way to end up dead.Number 2
We've all been there.Number 3
That doesn't excuse it.Hess
Ah, there was no serious harm done, and it turned out for the best that they acted quickly when Sanders gave the order to destroy the pipeline...Number 3
They got lucky.Number 1
We've all done things that should have killed us, that didn't.Number 5
Half the job is knowing how to turn the results of a tactical blunder into success.Number 4
[muttering] You'd know...Number 5
Hey --Number 1
Gentlemen...Number 2
The collaboration with Officers Ford and Cisneros worked very well.Number 6
We were concerned after the Americana incident that Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy may have difficulty working with Americans.Hess
I understand, second hand of course, there was some initial friction between Agent Ford and Hydrogen Guy, but they managed to work that out themselves.Number 2
That's important.Number 7
Hydrogen Guy has a history of working well with strange allies. Rene Dédelle, for instance.Number 1
I think we've heard enough.He rose to his feet, and the others followed suit.
Hess
I hope you found this useful... ?Number 1
Very useful. We'll discuss it among ourselves, of course, but I think your information has brought us to the point where we can make a decision. Thank you, Agent Hess.He extended his hand. Hess clasped it; the other's hand was surprisingly gentle, considering that the man could bend girders into balloon animals. Hess smiled nervously.
Hess
It's been my honour, sir. The world owes you -- all of you -- a great debt. It's the least I can do to repay it.The front man nodded. They'd heard it all before.
Hess
Ah... forgive me if I'm prying... but what decision do you think you'll come to?The front man glanced at his companions. Number three was as unreadable as ever; but the others' thoughts were reflected back to him in their eyes. Number two nodded.
Number 1
I think Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy will be hearing from us, Agent Hess.Number 3
Sooner rather than later.[fade to black; roll credits]