 |
|
| Photos |
|
|
Redmond - Just a few short minutes from my brother in-law's place is the magnificent Microsoft Theme World Resort and Fun Complex. I was hoping for sulfurous clouds rolling over flaming pits and programmers impaled on pikes while Beelzebub and his minions do the Macarena. Unfortunately, that's not the reality. The Microsoft town is fairly large, it's easily bigger than Snoqualmie. Driving around, looking at these buildings, I'm struck by the fact that there doesn't seem to be any actual people here. There are cars in the parking lots, but nobody walking around. This furthers my believe that all Microsoft products are developed in Sheol. The most frightening thing was the fact that on the rear side of the complex was some construction. They were digging a hole, and I'm not implying anything here, that is roughly the size and shape of a missile silo. Again, I'm not implying or suggesting anything, and any federal agencies that feel the need to investigate should do so without my instigation. Also, the big BG's office is not in sniper range. So again, no pits of flaming sulfur, no cackling demons, no thirty foot-tall killer druids guarding the entrances, just lots of flowers and neatly combed lawns. The perfect place to hide a cult.
The Fright Begins - I'm about forty miles north of Seattle and, even though I'm still a good half hour or more from the Canadian border, you know those signs on the banks that tell the time and temperature? The temperature is in Celsius. I mean really, we should not be using Celsius or the Metric system in the states. We have a perfectly good, perfectly confusing system that keeps normal people from getting involved in the complex affairs of corporations, why should we go and use a system like the metric or Celsius? Zero equals freezing? How much sense does that make? And, for those who are concerned that StarYucks is taking over their towns, try driving through this area some time. StarYucks is on every freaking corner you see. I'm not kidding, they're in the malls, they're downtown, they're uptown, they're everywhere. Every place you go there's a Star Freaking Bucks. They're even on the radio. When are people going to learn that StarYucks makes lousy coffee? It doesn't matter that they bandy about the word "gourmet," or that their beans are expensive, they make crap. Just because McDonalds uses real chickens doesn't make McDonalds good food.
Mount Vernon - Also, speaking of chickens, if you ever find yourself in rural Northern Washington, a little south of Mount Vernon, and you find yourself behind a truckload of chickens, hold your breath. Now, this area, below and around Mount Vernon, is severely corn infested. Fortunately, I grew up with Jersey white corn. I actually found a stand (there are several) that had corn right there for sale. They take it out of the field, they cook it, and the put it on a stick and serve it to you with some butter and salt. Magnifique! Wash it down with some locally made fresh apple cider. Awesome. Mount Vernon also has a McDonalds that is worth driving past. There's a giant, inflatable Ronald McDonald sitting on top of the restaurant in a lotus position. It's quite interesting to see a humongous clown doing yoga.
|
|
|
Lynden - Visited family. A nice little town right here in the middle of farm country. It's an odd mix of urban and rural (rurban? Urbal?). I was quite glad to see colors in the trees here. But don't move here because then it wouldn't be small anymore.
The Peace Arch - If you don't get off before the Canadian border, you won't see it. I didn't. No pictures.
The Canadian Border - This is where you get to disclose everything in your car. No concern over the several bottles of alcohol I had in my trunk. Or the weed, the meth, or the AK-47. But Noogie was grilled mercilessly. Where'd I get her? Has she ever bitten anyone? Is she pregnant? Do I have her papers? My border guard was named Tony. He asked me some questions, took a look at me, then told me to pull over. I had to go inside and talk to a woman named Cindy, who questioned me more about who I was, where I was going, and did I have a criminal record. I was asked how much money I had, how much money I had, and how much money I had. Apparently, I wasn't planning on spending enough money in Canada, because they almost didn't let me through. But, eventually I was allowed to enter Super! Natural! British Columbia. I exchanged my American money at the border for Canadian money, which is comical, board-game looking money. My $80 US got me $693 [1] Canadian.
Surrey - First you come through Surrey, the "City of Parks," which is a great place for getting "Oklahoma" stuck in your head. The cars look the same here, the phone numbers are 7 digits, there's a McDonalds, the 7-11 was run by a Pakistani, I mean really, isn't Canada supposed to be a foreign country? Other than these weird speed limits and the fact that the people here still think Beanie Babies are a cool idea, I can't see any difference. Even the letters and numbers they use are the same. You'd think they'd at least use French numbers or something.
Cloverdale - Just outside this little town, I saw a sign for the ICBC. I'm afraid. Very afraid.
Canadians also like to mess with Americans by changing the pronunciation of words. I keep asking for directions to the Lougheed highway, and so far I've heard it pronounced Lo-eed, Lo-heed, Lo(phlegm noise)heed, and La-heed. They're definitely having a grand time at my expense.
In defense of BC, once you cross the ferry[2], the highway goes around and next to the river. The area is some of the most beautiful that I've seen yet. It's a very tree-intensive area. But, if MapQuest let me down in Portland, it completely buggered me here. My directions told me to take the Lougheed to River Road, unfortunately there's about thirty or fourty River Road's in this area. Everywhere you go is another freakin' River Road. When I got off the ferry, I went the wrong way. Instead of going left to Maple Ridge, I went right to Mission. Fortunately, I pulled over and was directed by a pleasant Korean fellow who told me how to get back to "Mapre Lidge." Also, I saw Donatelli road in Mission, but none of the other Ninja Turtles.
|
|
|
Maple Ridge - My final planned stopover was Maple Ridge before I drove straight through to Alaska. I pulled into the town and was immediately struck by how small it seemed compared to the Hydrogen Guy stories. I was able to locate Haney Place fairly quickly, as well as some other landmarks that I had either read in HG or found while researching Underpants Man. The horse itself is on the main street down the center of town, but the city planners apparently thought it a good idea to hide it by letting the trees behind it grow up and over it, so as to obscure it from view. I had to stop in a 7-11, where I talked to a lovely troll of a woman named Cheryl, who was quite friendly until I asked where I could find the robot horse, then she turned nasty, like the old folks in Snoqualmie. She told me that the horse was truly the ugliest thing in the world. I had thought that maybe JIM was biased, but it seems to be a common belief here. As I walked out of the 7-11, I was almost carried away by the giant moths that flutter around this place. I'm not kidding when I say that Maple Ridge has a mini-Mothra problem. The horse itself is scarcely larger than a real horse, but it's still threatening in its visage. Ok, it's not really the horse that's scary, it's the horse's face. It's got this horrible scowling face, almost like a Doberman pincer. It's really not an attractive sculpture at all. The actual "dance" that the horse does is quite worth the trip. It wiggles and stretches, stiffly, like a geriatric on the parallel bars. First it rears up, then it brings one leg up, then the other, then tilts it's head, then wiggles its legs, tilts its head back, and makes this strange scraping noise, which I'm supposing is supposed to sound threatening. The "dance" takes about fifteen minutes to complete. It's truly a gaudy site to behold. And I can see why JIM moved out of MR. Other than a place called the "Frog Stone," there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of a nightlife here.
|
|
Days 5 and 6 and 7
I'd like to have made separate pages for these, but really, what's the point? Once I got on Highway 5 (yes, you heard me right, highway 5. I got pulled over by a mountie who gave me bad directions), there really isn't a whole lot to say. There's trees, and more trees, and even some trees. I hit "seek" on my radio, and it just spins and spins. About the only things I can say interesting about that part of my trip are that there was a town called Kamloops (breakfast of ) and that Canadians have the slowest driving system I've ever seen. The average speed was 70 kph. That may sound like a lot, but it's less than 45 mph, and that's highway speed. Just shy of the Alaska border, I got snowed in for the night in the town of White Horse. And when I got to Alaska, I was given bad directions yet again and, instead of going to Glen Allen, I ended up almost in Fairbanks.
Here's the rest of the pictures:
|